Insanity of Motherhood

Motherhood, marriage, and midlife.


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Happy Anniversary

Today is the third anniversary of my blog.  I had no idea until I happened to check my email and WordPress congratulated me on the big event.  Interestingly, I am also celebrating my 20 year anniversary of marriage with my husband this month too.  Anniversaries are a good thing to celebrate because they show a commitment.

To celebrate my blog anniversary I am writing today’s blog.  To celebrate my 20 year wedding anniversary my family and I have just returned from a two-week trip to Ireland/England for our spring break vacation.  It was an amazing trip.  What seems more amazing is how I have been married for 20 years.  It seems yesterday when my husband and I took our vows as husband and wife.

We took our boys with us on our anniversary celebration overseas.  People asked why my husband and I brought the boys along if we were celebrating our life as a married couple.  The reasons we brought the boys are simple.  First, we wanted to visit both countries and didn’t have anyone to care for the boys if we went away. Second, the boys are part of our marriage.  They are a result of my husband and I being married, so it seemed appropriate to bring them along.  Third,  we wanted to give the boys the gift of travel.  Overseas travel is something my husband and I enjoy and we haven’t done so since we got married 20 years ago.  With college starting soon for Old Boy and then for Tall Boy soon after, now was the best time to show the boys that a world exists outside of the United States.  Our hope is to inspire the boys to make their own plans for travel when they are older.  This may have been our only overseas trip with all five of us, so we wanted to make sure if was a trip to remember.

Taking three kids on a two-week, two countries trip was no easy feat.  Planning took months.  Years ago when my husband and I traveled we did some pre-planning, but most of the fun was taking a drive and seeing where you ended up.  If we wanted to stay at a place longer we would.  This is wasn’t an option for us traveling with the boys.  We planned each place, with the boys in mind, to reduce the amount of stress it would place on us and them.  Our planning worked.  With minimal stress we were able to see and do all the things we wanted to do.  Every hour I spend researching details of our stay was worth it.

The anniversary trip to England/Ireland had an impact on me.  It made me realize how much my husband and I have in common.  We enjoy seeing and experiencing different cultures and learning new things.  We don’t often do much out of the ordinary in our home, daily lives and yet were more than willing to do and try everything while traveling.  Some folks have no interest in staying in endless lines at the airport for the sake of traveling, but my husband and I are.  I wish I could say our boys shared their parents’ enthusiasm for travel, but at times they longed for the comforts of the familiar more than the spirit of a great adventure.

My husband felt discouraged because our boys weren’t more expressive with gratitude about allowing them to join us on our anniversary trip.  I was less concerned.  My boys are nice guys, but aren’t mature enough yet to realize the sacrifices we made to take them on the trip.  I don’t expect them gush how wonderful their parents are because we gave them a gift.  We willingly chose to take them with us.  The boys didn’t ask to come.  I know ( or hope) they will understand the size of our gift to them some day.  The next overseas trip my husband and I will be alone though.  As much as we enjoyed having the boys with us, my husband and I realized we would enjoy the next trip much more without constantly catering other people’s needs.

To be honest, I’m not happy to be home.  I know I will be in a few days, but our vacation was good at taking away stress.  The moment I walked through my front door I could feel the weight of life responsibilities push down on me.  There are bills to pay, emails to read, laundry to wash, food to shop for, and thank you notes to write.  The joy of living for only in the moment has passed.  As much as I would like to continue in the mindset of my vacation I know the daily grind of life will not allow me to feel as free.

The anniversary vacation reminded me of how fortunate I am, especially for my marriage.  My marriage is the single greatest gift I’ve been given.  I hope my husband and I have many more celebrations in the future.

Happy anniversary to my husband of 20 years and happy anniversary to another year of blogging.

 

 

 

 

 


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Carry On

A conversation between a wife and a husband.

Wife walks into kitchen.   Husband is sitting at kitchen table reading the newspaper.

“Why is the sugar bowl on the counter? – Wife

“I guess somebody used sugar this morning.” – Husband

“Well, somebody leaves the sugar bowl on the counter almost everyday. They also leave a dirty spoon and sprinkle sugar everywhere.” – Wife

“Yes, somebody does.  I don’t put sugar in my coffee and the boys don’t use sugar.” – Husband

“What do you mean?” – Wife

“I mean somebody uses sugar in her coffee every morning, leaves out the sugar bowl, leaves a dirty spoon, and sprinkles sugar everywhere.” – Husband

“Oh.  I see.  You don’t put sugar in your coffee?” – Wife

“No.” – Husband

“Okay.” – Wife

“That’s all you have to say?” – Husband

“Carry on folks.  Mystery solved.” – Wife

“And…” – Husband

“Sorry.” – Wife (Sigh)

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What’s Happening Down There?

A conversation between a wife and a husband.

Wife walks into kitchen and grabs her purse.  Wife calls to husband.

“Honey, are you ready to go?  I’m hungry and the boys are already in the car.” – Wife

Husband walks into kitchen.  Wife looks at husband.  Wife looks down at husband’s feet.

“What’s this?” – Wife

Wife points to husband’s feet.

“What’s happening down there?  Why are you wearing those?”- Wife

“What do you mean?  I’m wearing shoes.  You have to wear shoes when you go out to eat at a restaurant don’t you?” – Husband

“Yes, you do need to wear shoes.  But those aren’t shoes those are thongs.” – Wife

“We live in San Diego.  What’s wrong with wearing thongs?” – Husband

First of all it’s not summer anymore.  It’s Fall.  Second of all it’s raining and third and most importantly you shouldn’t be wearing those thongs ever.” – Wife

“What’s wrong with these thongs?” – Husband

“What’s wrong? You took them out of the trash in a garage and you’re asking what’s wrong?” – Wife

“Hey yeah.  Why did you put them in the trash?  They’re still good.” – Husband

Wife raises eyebrows at husband.

“Really?  They’re still good?  I don’t think so.  I will wait for you while you go get some shoes on.” – Wife

“Come on.  They aren’t so bad.” – Husband

Wife scowls.

“It isn’t that cold out.  No one will notice my feet anyway.” – Husband

Wife frowns.

“I think the rain stopped.” – Husband

“I’ll wait.” – Wife

Husband sighs.

“Okay.” – Husband

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Deserving

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My husband heard this quote the other day from a movie called, Perks of Being a Wallflower.  I have not seen the movie myself, but my husband and Tall Boy highly recommended it.

When my husband first confessed his love to me years ago I didn’t feel worthy of it.  Prior to meeting him I had dated several toads (a princess has to kiss a lot of toads to find her prince).  Most of the guys I dated were the fixer-upper kind.  They had potential to be great men, but something held them back.  Usually it was themselves.  Several of them also had a fear of committment.

After dating toads for several years I realized I had a pattern.  The pattern was I kept chosing men who were unavailable emotionally and unmotivated career wise.  They were nice guys, but being nice wasn’t enough.  In order to change my chosing pattern I went into therapy.  I wanted to learn why I was chosing a particular type of guy and how I could stop chosing him.

After a few sessions I understood myself better.  One of the issues I came to realize was I didn’t think I deserved better than I was being offered.  I accepted each relationship that came my way and tried to mold it into an image I hoped for.   Obviously my plan was unsuccessful.  One person can’t mold another person to be the image they want.

I met my husband a few months after I started therapy.  At the time I had worked hard to improve my self-image and to resolve old issues from my childhood.  The result was I was able to believe my husband when he took interest in me.  He was kind, handsome, smart, motivated career wise and wanted to be in a committed relationship.  He was all I had hoped for in a future mate.

Instead to pushing him away because I was unsure if I deserved him I held on to him tightly.  I struggled through many months of feeling uncomfortable and doubting because knew he was not the kind of person who would lie.  When he told me I was beautiful I knew he said it because it was how he viewed me.

The way I was able to attract my husband was to believe I deserved his love. 

There are people I love who are struggling in relationships and they want something better.  Today’s quote is dedicated to them.  Until you believe you deserve more no one else will either.

Believe.  You deserve it.

 

 

 


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You Know When You Know

A couple of years ago the family and I were visiting my in-laws.  During our visit my husband’s cousin was also there.   We spent most of the visit talking catching up on each other’s lives.  She was studying to become a counselor and was very interested my husband and I’s relationship.  In particular, she wanted to know how I knew my  husband was the ‘one’ I was supposed to marry.

I gave her the response,  “You know when you know.”  The truth was when I met my husband I knew he was different, but I had no idea he would be the guy I would marry.  We met, liked each other and then started hanging out.  Within three months of dating I got a job in London.  When I left for the job I was pretty sure he was the one, but I left on the plane without him.

Things worked out with my husband and he eventually moved to London to live with me.  The early months of living in London were trying to get learn about each other.  The hardest part for me was opening up to him my vulnerable side.  It took a long time to share some of my fears and doubts

After all the confessions I knew he was the ‘one’.  Prior to that I knew I was in love with him, but I was so afraid he would leave at any moment once he found out what I was really like.  Once I allowed myself to fully trust him I felt confident in our love for each other.  Knowing he was the ‘one’ was something I instinctively knew.

Recently someone asked me if my husband and I planned to have anymore children.  They obviously don’t know my children very well or they would have never asked such  a silly question.  I told them confidently, “No more kids.  I am 48 and my husband is 45.  We are old.  The next kids we will welcome into our home with be the grandkids.”

After the birth of my second son I asked my husband if he wanted any more kids.  He said, “No.  Two boys is all I can handle.”  I had always wanted three children, but when my husband said no more kids I didn’t press the issue.  I loved my two boys and we were happy.

When we I became unexpectantly pregnant with my third boy I was thrilled.  After my little son’s arrival, people used to ask if I wanted more children, in particular if I wanted a girl.  I would confidently respond, “No.  Three boys is it.”  Having my third son made things final in my eyes.  My husband and I knew we were officially done having children.

The concept of knowing is empowering.  There are may things I don’t know about my life, but there are some that I know.  Inside of me is a comfortable knowledge that guides me during my decision-making process  It’s my instincts.  I fall into the most trouble when I don’t listen carefully to my inter voice.

The most recent decision I know is my husband and I’s choice is to not have pets in the future.  This decision has been a long one in the making.  It’s kind of like the decision a couple makes to not have children.  My husband is not much of a pet person and the only reason we have many pets is because the boys and I begged to get them.  When my husband first brought up the issue of no longer wanting pets, I was uncomfortable.  I love animals and felt badly we would no longer be giving one a home.  But as our conversations continued I realized I didn’t want to be a pet owner forever either.

The older boys will be off to college soon.  My husband and I plan to travel, maybe live overseas for a while.  I love my pets (dog, snake and fish), but the responsibility of them is too much sometimes.  My youngest son is only five which means we have at least 12 more years of him living at home.  Our needs for nurturing are fully met by taking care of our little son.  After all the years of caring for the boys, home and the pets my husband and I want time in our lives to only care for each other.

The decision to not want pets is difficult for people to grasp.  Pets are universal.  Even people who choose not to have kids often have a pet or two.  But for my husband and I we know what we want from our life.  It comes from knowing ourselves and being willing to admit honestly what will make us happy.  Being honest about what you want from you life is the only way to make sure it can happen.  Doing things because you ‘think’ you should only leads to regret.  Living with regret isn’t a way to live.

How do I know when our pets are gone there will be no more to follow?  The answer for me is easy, “You know when you know.”

 

 

 

 

 


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TMI

A conversation between a mother and a father.  Mother and father are lying in bed.

“Honey, I’m kind of nervous about Old Boy heading out on his backpacking trip for school.” – Mother

“Why?  He’s going to have a great time.” – Father

“What if he gets hungry?  How are they going to be able to pack enough for the backpack for a week?  He eats all the time.” – Mother

“There will other boys in his group.  They will carry the food and water.” – Father

“But Old Boy is so thin.  How can he carry a big backpack with a tent and sleeping bag?  The backpack is half his weight.” – Mother

“He’s a strong boy. He can do it. He’s almost a man you know?” – Father

“No he isn’t.” – Mother

“It’ll be so cold. How will he stay warm enough in that flimsy backpacking tent.”- Mother

“He has a new sleeping bag and pad to keep him warm at night. He’s bringing gloves, wool socks, long underwear, warm coat, hat, and is sleeping in the small tent with three other boys. Trust me he won’t be cold in the cramped tent.” – Father

“The whole thing sound awful.” – Mother

“Not to a bunch of teenage boys.” – Father

“Where are they going to go to the bathroom.” – Mother

“Where do you think? Outdoors of course.” – Father

“What if they have to go…you know poop?” – Mother

“I put a shovel in his backpack.” – Father

“A shovel?” – Mother

“Yup. You just dig a hole. Do your business and cover the hole with dirt. No problem.” – Father

Mother stands up and walks out of the room.

“Hey, where are you going?” – Father

“Digging a hole to poop in?  That was too much information.  And you wonder why I won’t go camping with you.” – Mother (yelling from other room)


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Envying Rita

A conversation between a husband and a wife.

Husband arrives home after work.  Husband looks for wife.

“Honey?  I’m home.  Where are you?” – Husband

Husband finds wife on hands and knees in living room.

“What are you doing?” – Husband

“The dog threw up again.  We just had the carpet cleaned and she threw up on it.  I’m cleaning the mess up.” – Wife

“Oh.  I’m sorry.  She must have liked the smell of clean carpet.” – Husband

Wife wrinkles brow and looks at husband.

I’m sure Rita never has to clean up dog barf on the carpet.” – Wife

“Rita?  Who is Rita?” – Husband

“Rita Wilson…Tom Hanks wife.” – Wife

“Why are you talking about Rita Wilson.  You don’t know her.” – Husband

“She and Tom were in the news recently and they sure looked happy.  Rita always looks happy.  She doesn’t look like she cleans up dog puke from a carpet.  I bet she has a whole crew of people who clean messy things for her.” – Wife

True.  I doubt she has done any cleaning for years.  Her husband is a big movie star who makes the big bucks.” – Husband

“Yeah.  No cleaning.  Must be nice.  Bet she doesn’t have to cook dinner either.  No cooking or cleaning…now that’s the life.” – Wife

“Come on.  Things are so bad.  Aside from the dog throw up we have a good life.  We have great kids.” – Husband

Rita and Tom have great kids.” – Wife

“Being a movie star’s wife must be a lot of pressure.  You wouldn’t want that would you?” – Husband

Silence.

Being in the movie business isn’t all glamor you know.  Tom is probably away from his family all the time.  Bet Rita wishes she had him home every night like you do with me.” – Husband (Big Smile)

“Yeah…I guess so.” – Wife

“I sure don’t envy Tom.  Living in the public eye must be hard.  No privacy.  No siree.  I like my life the way it is.”- Husband

“The ice maker in the fridge is broken.  There was water all over the kitchen floor today.  Oh and the our bathroom shower drain is clogged.” – Wife

“What?  Home repairs never end.” – Husband

“I bet Tom never has to repair a broken ice maker and snake the drain before dinner.” – Wife

Tom Hanks and wife Rita Wilson on the red carp...

Tom Hanks and wife Rita Wilson on the red carpet at the 1989 Academy Awards, March 29, 1989 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)